Oh crap, we’re going there.
Why do we yearn the presence of other humans? Most will say that it is human nature; we humans are social creatures and we can’t stand to stay alone. Even if we are utterly incompetent in the arts of socialization, we keep coming back for more. Every word exchanged every glance made, every touch, every thought in the presence of another one such as yourself becomes corrupted with insecurity and regret at the sheer awkwardness of the interaction. The mistakes haunt us and even though they seem to fade with time, the most minuscule triggers and send them rushing back with more force than ever. And yet, we return time and time again to the accursed hell that is spontaneous conversation, for we know that the alternative is far worse. When your anxiety is no longer occupied with social judgement and when the sounds, sights, and words of your comrades no longer constantly bombard your conscious, it returns.
First comes the regret. You could have said this to comfort them better, you could have made joke funnier, you could have omitted that incredibly offensive statement. Everything you’ve just done seems stupid in retrospect, because it is. Or at least you will begin to delude yourself into thinking that. Because then anxiety sets in. So you’ve failed. So what. The world has not ended quite yet; you still have numerous chances to redeem yourself. Yes! You will definitely think of that scintillating remark next time and Yes! you WILL manage to not appear as completely worthless as you really are. Of course, you know this is ridiculous though. After all, at this point, you will have already analyzed the outcome of previous attempts at this optimistic thinking and approach, and you will have concluded that it is completely futile and a waste of time. And of course, you are wrong. You know that you conveniently chose to ignore those multiple occasions where it did work, but honestly, you’ve decided that today, you are lazy. And tomorrow you will also be lazy. Yes. Perhaps another day. Perhaps another day you will finally murder your laziness and experience release and happiness like no other, and then choose to disregard the incident as a fluke the next time you go through these thoughts.
So really, it isn’t anxiety, it’s just acceptance of what is to come. Depression would describe it much better. Okay, so now you’ve accepted that you’re laziness makes you even more horrible than you already are, but you’re okay with that. No actually, you’re not, but you pretend to be. By the time these particular thoughts come to light, you’ve probably already secured yourself a nice quiet place for inner reflection, something which you have been trying to avoid for as long as possible, but alas, it had to happen some time. Obnoxious laughter, crude jokes, ignorant debates, all of that ridiculous stuff you call “conversation” that goes on in the presence of your “friends” had united your consciousness. Now that it no longer faced a common enemy however, the consciousness turned against itself, or to be more clear, you. No longer forced to ally with you to preserve its own sanity, it is free to hunt you down, swearing to catch you, yet never clarifying its reasons or intent. Your infinite and expansive mindscape usually allows you hide in imagination’s comforting arms, but sometimes, even infinity is far too small. Ravenous for despair, it latches onto your scent and takes swift action. It corners you in the boundless space, because every step you take away from it only brings you closer. As its tendrils curl closer, you start to sink, or rather, fall. Now, how can you fall from something that was at ground level to begin with?
Well really, you can’t, because you’re actually been falling this entire time. You just didn’t realize it. The socialization was obviously a distraction, but you don’t realize what it was a distraction FROM until now. You had assumed that it was to distract consciousness from eating your sanity, but that in itself was a meaningless occupation too. Completely made up in fact. This little heroic battle you’re waging against your conscious mind? A mere delusion on your part, created to avoid facing reality. The reality that your life is on a perpetual downward spiral that you yourself are propagating with every action and thought. Or it could be a constant rise to the heavens, because your silly emotions do make you feel like that at times, but right now, you’re pretty sure you’re falling, not floating.
Why are your falling? Where are you falling to? You really don’t know. In fact you’re not even sure that this falling is a bad thing. And so you fall, in your agonizingly blissful state of uncertainty and continue to until you reach the bottom. Except you don’t, because before that happens, your pesky acquaintances barging back in and drag you back to the land of shallow conversational exchanges.
Personally, I have never delved past this point, so I end my reflections here. Thanks for reading.
Short note to my brain:
What the actual hell did you just do. Seriously, getting real tired of your self-indulgent psychoanalysis.